Fun stuff

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"Anyone without a sense of humor is at the mercy of the rest of us!"

Funny SQL statements[edit]

Some funny SQL Statements we've encountered: 

SELECT standard_disclaimer, witty_remark FROM company_requirements;

SELECT standard_disclaimer  FROM company_stuff WHERE meaningful_content = 'NONE';

SELECT * FROM management WHERE clue > 0;

SELECT * FROM clients WHERE clue > 0;

SELECT * FROM users WHERE clue > 0;

SELECT * FROM genepool WHERE clue > 0;

SELECT * FROM politicians WHERE clue > 0;

SELECT de_wey FROM de_queen WHERE do_you_know = 'True';

Funny error messages[edit]

SQL> select intelligence_level from developer;
select intelligence_level from developer
       *
ERROR at line 1:
ORA-00904: "INTELLIGENCE_LEVEL": invalid identifier

SQL> select count(*) from developer_brain;
select count(*) from developer_brain
                     *
ERROR at line 1:
ORA-00942: table or view does not exist

Yesterday: A DBA's backup song[edit]

YESTERDAY (to be sung to the tune of the Beatles' song - Yesterday): 

Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay
Now my database has gone away

Oh I believe in yesterday

Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be
And there's a deadline
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say

Now my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
Thought all my data was here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.

Here is a Youtube video of the song.

Genesis of a DBA Universe[edit]

In the beginning was the disk array, and all was empty
and raw, and Unix moved over the face of the platters.
And the DBA said: Let there be Oracle. And there was
Oracle. And the environmental variables were set and
the disks were striped and mirrored and the OFA was
established, and behold spindle was rent asunder from
spindle. And the DBA saw that all was in spec.
And it was day and it was evening of the first day.
And the DBA said: Let there be scripts. And sql.bsq
brought forth myriad crawling things upon the face of
the array. And catalog.sql brought forth all manner of
tables and views that swim unseen beneath the waters.
And catproc.sql brought forth all the built-in
programs and all the hosts of the air, that the users
might be given wings and take fight over the data.
And it was day and it was evening of the second day.
And the DBA said: Let there be tablespaces. And there
were tablespaces. And the network administrator looked
upon the disk array and did see what the tablespaces
had wrought upon the disk arrays, and he did gnash his
teeth and seek a new work upon the Internet with an
engine of search.
And it was day and it was evening of the third day.
And the DBA created users. Male and female he created
them. And he said unto the users: Thou mayest create
tables and views as thou wilt. Yea, though mayest
create even indexes upon the data. Only meddle not
with the system tablespace, for it is a holy place,
and on the day wherein thou treadest upon it, on that
day thy create session shall surely be revoked. And
the serpent crept among the users and whispered to
them, saying: Thine roles shall not be revoked. Taste
ye all of the system tablespace, for ye shall know of
b-trees and hints and ye shall be as DBAs. And the
users heeded the serpent and filled the system
tablespace with crap. And the instance did crash and
the client did wax wroth at the DBA. And the DBA did
gnash his teeth and partake of the fruit of the vine,
for behold the users were permanent employees and the
DBA was but a contractor and could not revoke their
create session.
And it was day and it was evening of the fourth day.
And the DBA did set default tablespaces and temporary
tablespaces and did lock down all that was upon the
face of the array with roles and profiles and all
manner of quotas, yea even from the rollback segments
even unto the archived redo logs.
And it was day and it was evening of the fifth day.
And the DBA created synonyms and links and did tune
the server and apply patches upon the face of the
database.
And it was day and it was evening of the sixth day.
And on the seventh day the DBA did rest from all the
labors of the creation. And his pager did ring and he
ceased from resting and did spend his sabbath on the
telephone with Oracle support. And by the time the DBA
got through to someone who knew whereof they spake
behold it was day and it was evening of the eighth
day.
And the DBA waxed wroth.

Some of Oracle's real life messages[edit]

Q. What if your Dad loses his car keys?
A. 'Parent keys not found!'
Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new one?
A. 'Duplicate value on index!'
Q. What if the golf ball doesn't get into the hole at all?
A. 'Value larger than specified precision!'
Q. What if you try to freak out with somebody else's girlfriend and being kicked out?
A. 'Insufficient privileges on the specified object!'
Q. What if you don't get any response from the girl next door?
A. 'No data found!' or ' Query caused no rows retrieved!'
Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and her Mom too?
A. 'SELECT INTO returns too many rows!'
Q. What if you dial a wrong number?
A. 'Invalid number' or ' Object doesn't exist!'
Q. What if you try to beat your own trumpet?
A. 'Object is found mutating!'
Q. What if you are too late to office and the boss catches you?
A. 'Discrete transaction failed!'
Q. What if you see 'theatre full' when you go to a movie?
A. 'Maximum number of users exceeded!'
Q. What if you don't get table in the lunch room?
A. 'System out of tablespace!'
Q. What if you need to go on a diet?
A. Invalid Body Size
Q. What if you are tall and try to crawl into a mini?
A. 'Inserted value too large for column'

12 days of denormalization[edit]

On the first day of denormalization, my design gave to me

a really fast-running query.

On the second day of denormalization, my design gave to me

2 less tables.

On the third day of denormalization, my design gave to me

3 more indexes.

On the fourth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

4 larger disks.

On the fifth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

5 brand new reqs.

On the sixth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

6 times the locking.

On the seventh day of denormalization, my design gave to me

7 longer updates.

On the eighth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

8 more requirements.

On the ninth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

9 invalid rows.

On the tenth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

10 delays deleting.

On the eleventh day of denormalization, my design gave to me

11 questionable queries.

On the twelfth day of denormalization, my design gave to me

12 lessons learned.

All about toasters[edit]

If IBM made toasters...

  • They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.

If Oracle made toasters...

  • They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.

If Sun made toasters...

  • The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java.

Does DEC still make toasters?...

  • They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?

And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters ...

  • Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'98 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

If Apple made toasters...

  • It would be cute, inoffensive, and idiot proof. It would work as soon as you plugged it in. It would work with anyone's bread. It would take a long time to warm up. It would only have one slot - but you could upgrade. It would be expensive but never require servicing or opening the box. Other companies would say that it was too simple to make real toast but secretly fire their design teams and headhunt the ex-Apple employees. Religious wars would (re)start.

Popular IT quotes[edit]

Some popular IT related quotes you can learn to impress your fellow office workers:

  • ORACLE = One Real A$#h%le Called Larry Ellison (Only joking, obviously!!!)
  • "The degree of normality in a database is inversely proportional to that of its DBA".
  • Unix is a very user-friendly system. It's just picky about who it's friendly with.
  • "I'm too sexy for my code" - Awk Sed Fred.
  • Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.
  • "Walking on water and developing software from a specification are easy if both are frozen." -- Edward V. Berard, "Life-Cycle Approaches"
  • "Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand."
  • Users don't know what they really want, but they will know when they see it...
  • Good, fast, cheap: pick two (you cannot have it all!)
  • Proper Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
  • Keep It Simple Stupid (KISS)
  • "Too many fingers on the keyboard" error....
  • The problem is caused by UBF (User Brain Failure)
  • PEBKAC: Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair
  • CALM DOWN! It's Only 1's and 0's
  • If you work on a program long enough, it will eventually send E-mail (a derivative of Zawinski's Law)

Super DBA Rap Video[edit]

Check out how Super DBA uses SQL powers to save the day! 

Super DBA by William Avery

CHORUS 1
Cooler than ice chillin' in refrigerators
I'm Super Database Administrator
Cooler than ice chillin' in refrigerators
I'm Sup... Super DBA

I was walking in the park. Saw a cat up a tree
"Please, Super DBA. You got to help me"
I looked up. The cat started falling down.
I had to think quick before it hit the ground. 
    UPDATE park SET ground='cotton candy'; 
    COMMIT;
The cat landed and everything was dandy.
The lady said, "Thanks" and the kids had fun.
Free cotton candy for everyone

CHORUS 2
I'm Super Super DBA
Using SQL powers to save the day
RMAN's got my back night and day
I fast commit transactions with no delay

Hackers get back. No getting in my system
Got powerful password packet encryption
I roll like a stone. Walk like an Egyptian
Anything WACK - not in my description
I can undo the past. Flash you back to the present
You got to give me space. Time is of the essence
Forever growing. Knowledge flowing
If I select one record, you can't handle what I'm showing.

(CHORUS 1)

My DBA phone was ringing early in the morning
It was an ORA- critical. I had to get going
To the DBA Mobile. Riding really fast.
Putt, putt... Running out of gas. 
    INSERT INTO car (tank) VALUES ('fuel'); 
    COMMIT;
Vroom. Cruising down the avenue. 
    UPDATE traffic_light SET color='green'; 
    COMMIT;
Like that, I was there on the scene.

I came in the door. I saw this before.
It was a party but nobody was dancing on the floor.
To make the people move. Get into the groove 
I grabbed the microphone went Check 1, 2 
    SELECT hip FROM hop; SELECT dont FROM stop; 
    SELECT a_little_funk FROM the_planet_rock; 
    SELECT cool FROM jazz WHERE the_beat='pizzazz'; 
    SELECT the_best FROM anything_you_ever_had;

All is good and the case is closed.
Up to the cloud away I go...
I got RACs on RACs to data guard your back
Scaling through the grid stopping any attack

(CHORUS 2)
(CHORUS 1)

Here is a Youtube video of the song Super DBA.

Other fun pages on the Net[edit]

Links To Some non-Oracle Laughs on the Internet:

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